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My lifestyle: entrepreneur. I’ve committed.

What do you think about when you hear the word committed? Relationships? Careers? Children? Mortgages? Payments? Leases? Contracts? You probably think of all sorts of heart attack provoking crap. But what about being committed to a lifestyle?

I’m a personable person. And to get personable about my life, on Rookie Republic’s blog, is personable for me.

My lifestyle: entrepreneur. I’ve committed.

I’m currently unemployed. I have just graduated from college, I received a BBA in International Business from Baruch College on June 3rd. My last day of classes was May 14th. You would think these last few days would be the best days of my life. But honestly, they have been the most stressful.

Almost two years ago I met a mentor. Meetings with this mentor were the most anxiety provoking meetings of my life. Worse than any initial interview. I mean palms sweating, heart pounding, set up a happy hour after, meetings. It’s because I was constantly and consistently asked if I was committed. Maybe it’s an American thing, maybe it’s being a product of a 25 year marriage, maybe it’s of being a mother. All soluble, bountiful things. But it made me so uncomfortable. I didn’t like having to answer that question. But I wasn’t required to answer then and there. I just didn’t like having to even think about that question.

What am I committed to?

Since I met my mentor, I’ve been in a place of just constant strife. Just constantly going through the motions of school, motherhood, waitressing, interning, REPEAT; without even realizing I’m living. There is so much that I have to do, so many people I have to contact, and since I’ve graduated I’m just doing nothing. I don’t know why. I’m at constant conflict with wanting to give up and wanting to fight to death. It’s so crazy. After my last final, my brain shut off. I’ve literally been on vacation mode and haven’t been able to separate reality from vacationing. It’s a constant conflict with wanting to do so much with being lazy. Wanting to live the life of an entrepreneur, serving tables and starting a business, with wanting to just be a stay at home mom. Wanting to start a business or just saying screw it in the struggle and work for corporate America.

But after a lot of soul searching, taking various classes in school, long drives, nights of letting lose, and time off, I’ve realized that I wasn’t committed to myself. I wasn’t committed to the belief that the knowledge I acquired wasn’t going to be surmised by an initial pay, or starting job title.

To me, being committed was to live the life IIIIIIIIIII want. I believe in myself. I want to that meet and stay in contact with the right people, meeting with those that inspired me, shadow those that I must learn from. All of these beliefs are grassroots, they are entrepreneurial. It may not be nuclear, it may not be what’s expected but it’s what I’m comfortable with. It’s what I’m committed to. It’s my lifestyle.

I’m committed to getting where I’m destined to go. I’m committed to pulling myself through the sand, through the hardships, through the sweat, tears and blood, to get myself to a place where I feel I’ve succeeded.

I’m hanging in, and I’m living. But with DRIVE.

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